No 6: I’D RATHER NOT SPEAK

IMAGE BY GRACE FRASCATI

LUCIA AUERBACH

I’d rather not speak on today’s subject because my story is not widely known. I’d rather not have it known for the time being. I go to therapy. I meditate. I exercise. I read Bell Hooks. I use caution in relationships. So I’d rather not speak on today’s subject matter.

My gynecologist does not have an appointment at this time.

They cannot refer me to another gynecologist. 

I am flying home to a state today that does not value my body. A state with a person who also does not value my body.

I’d rather not speak on that subject matter.

When I fly home today, I am going to decorate the car that I have not driven in 5 months. I bought a bright red bumper sticker over two years ago. It reads “KEEP YOUR LAWS OFF MY BODY” I did not put that bumper sticker on my car because I did not believe that the law would impact my body. I thought we had moved past that need. I’d rather not speak on that naivety. I will be placing that bumper sticker on my car tomorrow. 

I had to tell a man in bed that my state residency was in a trigger state. That I would be flying there in the following weeks, and that we could not make any mistakes. 

I do not believe in a higher power. I believe in literature. Hooks says to believe in a spiritual love. I now believe in spiritual love. I pray to you, spiritual love, that I am not forced to carry out an unwanted pregnancy. That I will not have to drop out of my dream school to raise a child. I can barely keep a plant alive. Please, spiritual love, give me time. I am not a mother yet. Do not make me one. 

I do not like speaking on matters pertaining to my bodily autonomy and sexual history. It is not information for the public to consume. I like to protect my body’s sanctity. But YOU, Amy Coney Barrett, Samuel A. Alito, Jr., Brett Kavanaugh, Neil M. Gorsuch, and Clarence Thomas (not that any of you deserve proper capitalization), have taken that sanctity from me. You do not know who I am. You do not know who I come from. And yet, you take the very right to privacy I hold dear to my heart right away from me. I am not ready to become what you are forcing me to do. I am not ready to speak on this subject matter. 

I’d rather not speak on today’s subject matter.

And frankly, now, I’d rather not speak at all.

Today, I prefer yelling.

Screaming. 

Have fun hearing my rage.

Women can be generals too.

Surprise! I declare war.