No 2: PLAYING GAMES WITH THE IMPOSTOR OF MY PAST

NAOMI MERCADO

Sometimes I feel like the decisions I've made in recent years or the achievements I've accomplished were made by a stranger, someone unknown, simply not me.

Now I find myself in the result of those same decisions. I try to remind myself that it was I who decided to be where I am now. I try to remind myself what I felt when I made those decisions back then and the reason why I made them.

I vaguely remember the exact moment when I made those choices, as if it had been in a past life. Without a doubt, I am no longer the same as I was, and I would like to believe that the change has been for the better, but even so, it is hard to move forward to the climax of the result of those decisions when my memories move further and further away from the reason why I made them in the first place.

Sometimes it helps to hear my loved ones tell me over and over again that I can beat the bad thoughts that come to my mind, but usually it just reminds me that maybe the person they think is so capable of overcoming those obstacles is the same person who made those decisions so long ago, that same brave impostor with whom I only share memories of a past life.

I know the motivation to keep going is there somewhere; I know it hides from time to time because it likes to play games with me and my anxiety. But I also know that finding it depends only on myself, and for that, I have to play along and have the mentality of a winner and the façade of self-confidence.

The problem is that being competitive has never been my thing, I usually don't care enough about games to want to win them. That's why I have to remind myself that this goes beyond winning a trophy, a title, or a prize; what is at risk is my own mental health, and I am not willing to lose that, not even against the impostor of my past.