No 1: TITA TABLE
IMAGE BY LUCIA AUERBACH
CATHLEEN BALID
a comedy.
Cast of Characters:
ANGELA DE LA CRUZ, 20, pretty in a less noticeable way, attentive eyes
MICHAEL “MIKO” LIM, 21, quiet, laughs easily
FAITH DE LA CRUZ, 47, loving mother to ANGELA
GLORIA, 48, best friend of FAITH
HOPE, 50, wears large clothes and several accessories
DIVINE, 51, wears ostentatious horn-rimmed glasses, always wears a designer bag
CHRISTIAN DE LA CRUZ, 48, father to ANGELA, husband to FAITH. He is tall and broad-shouldered, with a kind, pleasant face
Act I Scene I
Saturday afternoon at a small cafe. Bibles
are scattered on a long table, and mugs of
coffee sit haphazardly around them. DIVINE, GLORIA, and HOPE chat earnestly; it is clear that their Bible study has been neglected.
DIVINE
(spiritedly, in a thick Filipino accent)
And I said to him, you know what I said to him? I said, “I am Pilipino, sir!” And you know what the cop says? He stares at me, pulls his cap down, and he says, he says, “Do you know the dish adobo?”
A burst of rapturous laughter.
DIVINE
And of course I nod! I tell him, “I can make adobo for you, sir,” and I pray to God. I tell God I can’t get another ticket, please, I did nothing wrong, and when the cop looks at me, I lie and I tell him, the camera is WRONG. Why would I ever speed?
GLORIA
Ay nako, cops these days. Did he believe you?
DIVINE
No, no! God blessed me that day. My blood pressure went so high, I felt I was going to die. Another ticket, already? In the Philippines–
HOPE
(quietly, drily)
This would never happen.
DIVINE
I rode on a motorcycle when I was thirteen! No one ever cared!
GLORIA
(teasing)
You, on a motorcycle! Are you sure you didn’t go with your boyfriend?
DIVINE
Well, Paul certainly knew how to have a good time…
Enter FAITH DE LA CRUZ. Unlike the
other three women, FAITH has thick, long
hair and wears a sensible blazer; in short,
she has developed an acute sense of style.
She enters the cafe with a rosary in her hand.
FAITH
(in an elegant, almost melodic voice)
Did I miss anything?
DIVINE and HOPE exchange a furtive, mysterious look. GLORIA smiles at FAITH.
GLORIA
Ay, Divine was just talking about an old boy who used to court her.
DIVINE
He was so handsome! (pointedly) Do not tell me a boy never courted you.
HOPE
(sniffing)
My parents did not let me have a boyfriend until I was twenty one, until I finished my degree. And look, now I am doctor. That’s what happens when you set your mind to something and finish it. You succeed. I met Jared when we were both stable, and (pointing to nothing) now we have the life of our dreams! This would never happen–
FAITH
In the Philippines.
HOPE
(frowning, with an air of ignorance)
Oh no, I was going to say ‘without my hard work.’ But that fits too.
DIVINE
(with an odd edge to her voice)
Hope, are you seeing what I’m seeing? Look, out there!
HOPE glances through squinted eyes. Then, as if possessed by a demon, she gasps in horror.
HOPE
AY NAKO!
GLORIA
What? What is it?
HOPE
IT’S–IT’S–Oh my God! Gloria, do you see it? Are you looking?
GLORIA
(shocked)
Why–that’s Angela! What is your daughter doing here? Faith?
HOPE
Not just Angela! Angela with–
DIVINE
(wailing)
Angela with an intsik! What is she doing with a Chinese boy? I told her, time and time again, no Chinese boyfriend! We already have too many of them in the Philippines–look at our goddamn president! Oh, I can’t look anymore. My eyes are blinded.
GLORIA
(uncertainly)
Of course there are Chinese boys. She may just be friends with him–Faith? Is Angela his–
(glances at Gloria and recollects herself) Do they have that sort of relationship?
FAITH stares out the window. ANGELA and her Chinese companion, MIKO, walk along a sidewalk. They wear matching animal hats.
FAITH
I… I am speechless.
HOPE
Of course you are speechless. A boyfriend at twenty! Oh, even my own Joy would not dare.
DIVINE
Should I pray for her? In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit…
HOPE
Do you think she needs it?
GLORIA
Be quiet, both of you. Faith needs to process.
FAITH
(softly, and a little sad)
It’s not the boyfriend. Why did she not tell me?
GLORIA
Oh, Faith. She is twenty–you know how they get.
DIVINE
It’s no wonder. An intsik! An intsik!
HOPE
A boyfriend!
FAITH, glassy-eyed, drinks a cup of water. HOPE continues to stare out the window. Slowly her mouth opens, until her jaw hangs like a door.
HOPE
(squeaking)
I think I saw… I think I saw…
DIVINE
(impatiently)
Spit it out!
FAITH
(wary)
What is it?
HOPE
(strangled)
HE TRIED TO KISS HER!
A chorus of gasps. FAITH falls.
End of Scene.
Act I Scene II
FAITH lays on a bed, staring aimlessly at the sky. She wears a blue night robe. Enter CHRISTIAN DE LA CRUZ. Wearing a fitted shirt, he carries a mug of indiscernible drink and looks at his wife with concern.
CHRISTIAN
Get up. You’ve been lying there for some time… it isn’t healthy. Do you want to get heartburn?
FAITH
Oh, my heart already hurts. I feel like Jesus.
CHRISTIAN
(teasing)
Then what am I–Judas?
FAITH
(sighing, with a pause. Her face is somber)
No, no. It would be Angela. We were at a cafe–all of us–and Hope spotted her with a boy, a tall boy. He was tall–I don’t think I’d ever seen him before. And then–
CHRISTIAN
(leaning on the side of the bed)
What, was he homeless?
A loud rap on the door. Enter DIVINE and GLORIA. A white rosary wraps around GLORIA’s neck, while GLORIA wears a large smock. They appear in single file, with identical scandalous expressions.
DIVINE
Of course NOT. That would be worse! I’m telling you, Hope, that young boy can’t change his race in the same way I can’t get rid of this stubborn belly fat–
GLORIA
Divine!
DIVINE
You know it’s true. Fasting doesn’t work! Mediterranean doesn’t work! Keto, God guide me, must be sent from hell, because it makes my cravings bigger. Did you know, Gloria, I gained ten pounds from that cursed diet. Doctor, what am I to do?
CHRISTIAN
(patiently)
I’m a physical therapist, Gloria.
DIVINE
Oh, as if that matters. My physique is failing!
CHRISTIAN
(glancing at FAITH)
Drink more water and stick to smaller portions. But what is so wrong about the boy?
GLORIA
(looking around, as if to check for any eavesdroppers)
He’s Chinese.
CHRISTIAN
I never knew Angela liked Chinese boys.
FAITH
(mournfully)
That’s what I’m saying! They looked so comfortable, her and that Chinese boy. He was the perfect height.
GLORIA
Ay, Faith, just because he is not cursed by Filipino shortness doesn’t mean he is the end all be all. There are many boys in the world.
DIVINE
Yes! We already have too many assimilationists in the Philippines. I saw Kitty’s toddler today, and do you know what she told me? She said ‘Ni hao.’ Why would she think I’m Chinese?
GLORIA
(dryly)
Has she seen your complexion?
FAITH
The Chinese can be brown, you know, except the boy was pale. Outside of that, I couldn’t see much of his face.
DIVINE
Of course you didn’t! You couldn’t see it because of that wild tangle of black hair, and when he tried to kiss her–
CHRISTIAN
(alarmed)
He tried to kiss her? Faith, you didn’t say anything about this–she is twenty!
FAITH
Oh, I don’t even know. What should we do?
GLORIA
You must try to meet that boy.
DIVINE
Are you crazy? He’s intsik!
CHRISTIAN
(passionately)
He tried to kiss my daughter, and he hasn’t even met me!
GLORIA
We could watch her! Oversee her. Angela wouldn’t know, but you would be satisfied, Faith, wouldn’t you?
DIVINE
(scoffing)
He is Chinese, Hope!
FAITH
(considering)
He could have been born in Southeast Asia. And–a Chinese boy is not too bad. God forbid he was white. Imagine, Angela would be speaking English.
CHRISTIAN
I don’t know, Faith. You know how Angela is. She hates a pair of eyes more than anything.
DIVINE
And he is Chinese. There is no point.
GLORIA
Just for a day. Just for a day. I do not think it’s creepy if it is only for a day.
CHRISTIAN, DIVINE, and GLORIA watch FAITH. FAITH examines her nails.
FAITH
Are any of you willing to go on a cafe date with me?
End of Scene.
Act II, Scene I
Tuesday afternoon, the same cafe. There are no bibles on the table; instead, a crinkled map has taken over the entirety of the table. GLORIA, HOPE, DIVINE, and FAITH surround the map. Each of them wears “incognito attire”–elaborate black pants, black shirts, black sneakers, and black caps. HOPE and DIVINE look baffled, while FAITH grows apprehensive. GLORIA looks expectant.
FAITH
Are you sure they will come?
HOPE
(pulling her cap below her eyes)
When I went to the University of the Philippines, my parents never came. They went off somewhere–probably to fetch the cows. Or the pigs. Angela will be happy to see that you care.
GLORIA
Just stay hidden.
DIVINE
(with the expression of one who has to make a difficult decision)
Hmm…shall I order an iced vanilla latte? Or a chai tea? Oh, but I already had one today. Bless me Father, for I have sinned, this is my fourth… (continues muttering)
GLORIA
(glancing at an anxious FAITH)
Faith, what are you thinking about?
FAITH
Just–that Angela used to be so young. So small. I would hold her in my arms, and she would tell me her deepest, darkest secrets. Her first crush was chub-chub Chun. He was Filipino.
GLORIA
(with a quivering mouth)
Are you sure his name was ‘Chub Chub Chun’?
FAITH
Ay, of course. His mom was just as chummy as her son. But now Angela tells me nothing. Is it generational?
DIVINE
(now carrying a large iced vanilla latte)
At least she is still Filipino. You know how the second generation are. They remember nothing. Kathy’s daughter doesn’t even know how to say water in Tagalog.
HOPE
Thank God Angela still knows how to speak Tagalog. Even if she marries that Chinese boy–
DIVINE and FAITH
(in unison)
MARRIED?
HOPE
Well, yes. After dating comes marriage, and then marriage, it is–
DIVINE
(hissing)
Stop. Be quiet–I see her.
The four women immediately huddle together. FAITH fetches her binoculars, peers through them, and nods in confirmation.
FAITH
It is the same boy.
HOPE
(approvingly)
At least she’s not a–what’s the word? Play-girl? Womanizer?
GLORIA
Cheater would do.
DIVINE
(slurping loudly on her iced vanilla latte)
God will answer me someday.
FAITH
But he really is not bad looking. Hope, don’t you think he looks like Inigo Pascual? But more dinosaur-looking.
GLORIA
(squinting)
Oh–he is whiter than Inigo, but his eyes.
DIVINE
(impatiently)
How many times must I say it! He is Chinese! How can he possibly look like Inigo Pascual?
FAITH
Piolo Pascual looked Chinese.
DIVINE
That is different!
GLORIA
Shut up and look! The two are moving. We must hurry!
The women exit their table, following ANGELA and her companion in a manner that is obnoxiously stealthy.
ANGELA
(teasing)
You still haven’t told me anything about Lauren, Miko. How is she?
MIKO
(laughing)
Stop it, you know I haven’t talked to her in forever. But I’m pretty sure she’s okay. Tom, uh, texted me the other day. He said he’s with her now.
ANGELA
With her? Are they–
MIKO
(nodding)
I think they’re dating. Which is good, all things considering. Tom’s a good guy, she’s a good girl.
ANGELA
And you still dumped her! You heartless, heartless soul. I should start praying for you.
MIKO
(laughs)
It’s not my fault, okay? I was interested in someone else–
ANGELA
Gee, I wonder who that was.
MIKO
Oh, shut up. You know I couldn’t help it…
HOPE
(astounded from afar)
Is this how teenagers flirt?
HOPE
(horrified)
In my day, no one flirted by saying ‘shut up.’ You had to properly court the girl–you know, you bring roses, sing a song on the guitar. What type of boy says ‘shut up’ to the girl they like?
DIVINE
And he is Chinese!
FAITH
Stay low, or they’ll catch us!
MIKO
(somewhat assertively)
I think I blame everything on you.
ANGELA
(innocently)
What did I ever do? I’m just being myself.
MIKO
Which is exactly the problem. You are becoming too appetizing–
DIVINE
(scandalized, whispering)
Appetizing? What is she, food?
HOPE
I knew men liked food, but to this extent!
ANGELA
Then–will you kiss me?
MIKO
(reddens, begins to stammer)
I… Angela…
DIVINE
Oh, no…
HOPE
Bold at twenty…
GLORIA
I may throw up…
FAITH
(desperately, as if she cannot hold it in anymore)
ANGELA! WHAT IN THE NAME OF GOD?
ANGELA and MIKO turn around. Their expressions shift from love-struck to horror.
ANGELA
MOM??
MIKO
(wide-eyed)
Angela’s mom? I’m so sorry you had to see that–
GLORIA
(gently, to MIKO)
Shh. Let her mom talk to her, OK?
FAITH
(wild-eyed)
Is it true? Is it true that you are dating this–this Chinese boy? You didn’t even tell me!
ANGELA
Mom! You weren’t supposed to find out like this!
FAITH
What do you mean, ‘weren’t supposed to find out’? Why can’t I know? I am your mother, and I have a right to know who my daughter dates, especially if he is here.
ANGELA
I know, Mom, but–
DIVINE
And why an intsik boy? WHY?
HOPE
I never expected you to date a Chinese!
ANGELA
He’s not Chinese!
Stunned silence. All four women gaze at Angela with a newfound wonder.
DIVINE
Then–what is he?
ANGELA
(glaring)
It shouldn’t even matter what race I’m dating, because everyone’s the same, but Miko is not fully Chinese. His mom is Filipino.
DIVINE
(in a small voice)
Oh. I guess that’s okay.
ANGELA
Why do you all care so much?
GLORIA
(hesitantly)
The Chinese–
DIVINE
(forcefully)
Because–it would be like you were changing your identity!
ANGELA
Why would I–
DIVINE
(shaking her head)
It is hard enough being Filipino in America. We survive, because we are Filipino, but we don’t know how our children will survive. We don’t know if they will carry the same roots we carry, the same pride we carry.
ANGELA
(quietly)
I see.
FAITH
(hurting)
Even if you were conscious of that, Angela, why did you not tell me?
ANGELA
Because, Mom–we’re not even together.
FAITH
(wide-eyed)
What?
ANGELA
We’re not dating. Yet. I was planning to ask him today, and then tell you. Before–I was conscious because you… you actually know Miko’s mother.
FAITH
I do?
ANGELA
Yes, he’s… he’s Tita Kitty’s son.
FAITH
Oh.
ANGELA
(sheepishly)
See, Mom? I would have told you sooner, but I didn’t want to make things awkward. Hopefully you forgive me.
FAITH
(dabbing at her eyes)
Ay. Of course I will. Just, make sure to tell me later on, ha? And remember us. Always.
ANGELA
I will.
End of Scene.
Saturday Bible study at the same cafe.
HOPE, GLORIA, and DIVINE sit along one side of the table, and FAITH sits at the other. Based on their wide, eager expressions, it is clear that they are interrogating her.
Act II, Scene II
HOPE
How is that lovely boy doing? Micha, Mai, I can’t remember his name.
FAITH
(beaming)
Oh, Miko? He is doing well. He’s graduating this year.
DIVINE
(whispering)
And… are they dating? If they are not, I will pray for them. Twenty is a perfectly reasonable age to start dating. Send Kitty my regards.
FAITH
I think they will have no trouble in that category. They are Filipino. It is in their blood. Things are not so different from the Philippines, as long as you keep it alive.
End of Scene.
