No 2: DEAR DIARY: I’M SORRY FOR NOT GIVING YOU CLOSURE
IMAGE BY NAOMI MERCADO
NAOMI MERCADO
After a year of him being a constant topic in my diary, a year without him went by. That same year my diary was wordless.
I was surprised by how inconsiderate it was of me to completely left behind the one thing that helped me the most when I was at my worst. When we come out of a dark time we tend to block not only the bad memories but also the good things that kept us going because they remind us of that specific time.
I was scared of opening my diary because I wasn’t ready to unlock the memories and the pain that came with them. I’ve recently decided to make of my life one worth watching on a big screen or published as a novel, which is why I am no longer afraid of watching my past as if it were a movie, but if I'm going to reminisce I’m gonna do it with all its colors and with popcorn on the side, I’m going to enjoy the ride without hiding from the sad parts and without showing half truths.
A few months ago, during a sleepless night at 2:47 a.m, I decided to go back to my beloved pages and hop on the train of nostalgia to find my present self having a conversation with my past self through the lines I once wrote in my dear diary.
Once I started going through the pages of my past I realized I was getting a lot of answers from my past self and I thought it would be only fair to give her in return some answers of my own. That is how after a year of abandonment, I wrote one more entry on the blank pages I still had left.
I started with a general update of my life, what I’ve been doing, the decisions and mistakes I’ve made and the risks I’ve taken during that year of undocumentation.
Before concluding, I brought him up one last time…
“As many pages of this diary have been dedicated to mentioning him, I can't help but also write an update on the subject.
After the hatred, the crying, the resentment and the acceptance, I had the opportunity to close the cycle in a dignified way. I was able to get it all out and say everything I had wanted to say for a long time. If you ask me, I think I can finally accept I am at peace with how things are now: a limited friendship with a world of history behind it, a story from which I managed to get a lot of learning that I hope never to forget.
P.S. I’m sorry for not giving you closure the moment that I received mine. Now you have it.”
I can finally close the topic so I don't have to mention him anymore in these pages, but I know now that being afraid of remembering is the perfect sign to start doing it. After all, the movie of my life is not going to write itself.
